very early in my life it was too late
My dad has a girlfriend now. He fucks her instead of coming to my room at night. I use my electric toothbrush covered with Saran Wrap to fuck myself. I’m stupid and leave it in my bed when I go back to my mom’s. The next Friday, he picks me up from school. He drives too fast and won’t speak to me. Yanks open the glove compartment in front of me instead. My toothbrush is in there, still covered in plastic cloudy from my mess.
Parked near some sort of small reservoir he makes me unbuckle and suck him. Bleak midwinter sky. The smell of the car’s heater and my Bath & Body Works Cherry Blossom spray. His own musk. Suck it since I’m such a slut.
After he cums in my mouth he turns sweet like he does. Holds my face against his chest and strokes my cheek with his hand. Tells me he’s sorry things are different now. Something about it being better this way. That I shouldn’t have to be so grown up all the time. My heart feels like it’s breaking and I don’t understand why. I hate the taste coating my tongue. But crying while he holds me feels good and familiar and I want him to touch me there so bad but he doesn’t and I’m too ashamed to beg like I used to. I shouldn’t be so grown up but I am but I’m not so what does that make me?
A very good girl - that’s what he calls me. But I don’t see proof of it anywhere. I’m a liar and a sinner and a slut and now he won’t even touch me in the special way. I’m dead leaves sodden around a dirty Kentucky pond. I’m a chemtrail evaporating in the flat gray sky. A semi truck barrels down the nearby highway, the blare of its horn already left behind.