fuck the pain away
Spent too long searching for a picture of myself. Black-and-white, heavily shadowed. I’m lighting a cigarette in my bra with FUCK THE PAIN AWAY scrawled across my ribs in Sharpie. Found it, finally, but for what? I don’t know. Remember what it was to be me, as Didion said. That is always the point.
Charlotte calls and tells me about afterparty shenanigans where she and her husband fooled around the rest of the night with their manager, his girlfriend, and another girl they know. “I’m counting that as my first orgy,” she says, gleefully. I don’t think that it counts as an orgy, but I don’t have the heart to spit on her excitement. And who’s counting, anyway? Sounds like it was mostly a bunch of fingering and squeezing and making out, but no need to get so technical about these things. I wasn’t there. Maybe it had the spirit of an orgy. An orgiastic je ne said quoi.
When I get home I try rubbing my clit to the memory of me and Charlotte sucking her husband together. Both of us naked and on our knees while he sits on the couch looking down at us, his eyes heavy-lidded with pleasure. While Charlotte bobs on his cock, I slurp on his balls and press behind them with my fingers. I love to watch a man’s head roll back. His chest heave. When it’s my turn, I make sure to take him all the way, licking the underside of his shaft, the head of his cock nudging against the barrier of my throat until finally, it slides in and locks in place. I look up and hold eye contact while my throat constricts around his cock, trying to gag it out. I stay, though. My eyes water. I let them glaze over, then roll back. I let my shoulders and arms fall limp. Charlotte says her husband’s name like a protest. She thinks he’s being too rough with me. But he isn’t doing anything. I’m the one choking myself out on his cock.
Rubbing isn't enough. I had a few days’ reprieve from my regular state of hypersexual madness, but I can feel it grabbing the wheel again. Need to get fucked. Need to taste cum. Want to feel raw and sore and tenderized in the way that triggers my body into a near-constant state of arousal. Slutty little feedback loop.
I have always been this way. At 19 or 30 or 16 or 9.